I'm back after several weeks of not writing. I haven't really been in a writing mood. Believe me when I say that blogging/writing is a total therapy for me. Tonight's blog is deeply personal, thoughtful and honest. (When I say personal I mean - things that are tucked deep in my heart)
So the last several weeks have been more than interesting. I have had many personal battles to fight. They were difficult and heart breaking but I am finding that it is in those moments we discover who we are and Who's we are. I must admit that I am not feeling 100% secure in this season, it is like being forced to walk a tight rope. You hold your breath and just keep putting one foot in front of another, you hope you don't fall but have every fear that you will. It is as if I am right at the beginning, the bit where you don't trust yourself and aren't confident that anyone will be there to catch you if you begin to wobble or worse fall. However, feelings are fleeting, truth on the other hand isn't. Despite my feelings and my fears somewhere in the depths of my soul I am confident that God has everything in control, even when I don't see it or feel it.
I had a lovely chat with a beautiful person the other day, she said something to me that made me think. "You are exactly where you are for this exact moment in your life. The exact weight, exact situation, exact relationships...etc. You are going to have to see that maybe God is going to teach you something about yourself through all of these things, and it is a journey, it takes becoming okay or content in these things before they will change". Mind you I would have had to disagree that I am exactly the weight I am for this exact moment in my life for a reason...but having thought about it, there are some things that God is having to work out in me and one of those things is how I SEE myself. If I am completely honest I would say that I loath myself. I struggle to find things about me that I love....or even like. I don't see the best in me and I am very hard on myself. Now before I begin to get comments about this let me say that this is by no means a pity party or way of getting people to say anything nice...tell the truth people can say all the nice things they want but until I believe it of myself I can't really receive it in from others.
This year began with the word Settled, and let me tell you the last 3 months has been anything but settling...my heart, mind and spirit all all over the place. (Erin Norris Blodgett would get this..) I feel like I am ta taying in the wind. There is this restlessness and disappointment that I am wrestling with. This feeling of being less than good enough and like my identity is being expunged.
There is a search for my identity, my true identity. Who was I meant to be? I have had ideas and hopes of who I was meant to be, wrapped around small bits of the puzzle that God has revealed to me over the years...if I take away all the bits that I have imagined I would be and looked at what has been revealed there are only a few pieces face up in the grand scheme of things. What is the end product of this model of creation meant to look like, sound like....? I am not talking here just about spiritual things I am talking spiritual, emotional, physical. I have a good idea of what I would like this specific model of creation to look like ..but is that God's view of me?
Since I returned from the States I have had so many things swirling around in my head about health and well being. How did God create our bodies to function, what did He mean for us to eat...really (meat? no meat? raw vegan? vegetarian?). What does scripture mean when it says in 1 Cor6:19-20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is
in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you
were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." There has to be a part of this that extends past the spiritual condition of our heart/soul to a place of honouring God with taking care of this vessel we were given while here on this earth. We are of little use if we can't function at full capacity. If we are tired or ill. I am not saying that people aren't going to get sick but something I have been ruminating on lately is this (as my dear friend Betsy says) People are going to God asking Him to heal their disease and all the while driving through the nearest fast food restaurant putting garbage into their bodies that is causing disease. It doesn't make sense. I have been one of those who drives through the drive thru's and who has and does order meals that are of NO nutritional value. I am the first to admit that I don't have it together. I just believe that God is challenging me. I can almost promise you that I won't get it right all the time and will eat things that aren't good for me, but I can also promise you this, as God is taking me through this journey and teaching me and revealing to me what He want's for me and my family I am going to make every effort to be obedient and learn to like things that I haven't enjoyed before and try things that I think I wouldn't like. Not because I am going to love them but because they are life giving and promote healing in my body.
I have this massive fear (as I have admitted to a friend this week during our phone call) of failure. What if I fail at this? What is the THIS that you are afraid of failing at, you may ask.....becoming healthy and in the process becoming the natural weight that God meant for me to be...whatever that is, becoming strong and energised so that I can be available to God to do anything He calls upon me to do. Yes I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of what people think of me and what they will think of me....should I? No! I am sure that my idea of what people think of me is a lot worse than the reality of what they actually think. I need to learn to like myself, love myself and accept myself.
And so this journey begins with the very first step....Being open and honest.
Until next time... A